Laughter has always been my coping mechanism for job frustrations, and fortunately for me there has been an abundance of coworkers imbued with headliner stand-up talents. I came across an ancient email from one such individual, which brought uncontrollable cachinnation (look it up). I realize that blogs should be primarily original material, but I felt compelled to share.
To set the stage, our inept product marketing group (at the time) sent out a blanket email request asking whether there was revenue in the forecast tied directly to upcoming product releases. This was usually a hint that said products were NOT going to ship -- at least in our lifetime, but perhaps our grandchildren might have something to look forward to.
Without further ado, here is the genius at work:
Is there any revenue tied to the release of any [CompanyX] products? If so, please let me know immediately. I have [ProductA] down for $17M and [ProductB] down for $57M. Is there anything else? Oh, our lawsuit against [CompanyY] for patent infringement should bring $88M. And our beautiful, hand-painted collectors plates portraying the Life of Christ with bunnies will be delayed because of a problem with the Judas bunny sitting in the wrong location in the Last Supper. If this impacts any deals, please let me know. And the [CompanyX] Cap Snaffler and [CompanyX] Magnetic Key Holder have been taken off the market. I apologize for not telling anyone until now. If this impacts any deals, please let me know so that I can make a cooing sound.
And the [CompanyX] Solar System Accretion Disk has been delayed 1.5 million years due to some unexpected extra dark matter. The boys at the lab are a little red faced over this one. If this impacts any deals I need to know as soon as possible. The [CompanyX] Sea Monkeys will be released ahead of schedule thanks to some special work done by development over the holiday weekend.
Many thanks to them! [CompanyX] Sea Monkeys will be the replacement product for [CompanyX] Ant Farm which is now officially end-of-lifed. If this impacts any accounts (other than our 1994 contract with Satan) please email email@example.com immediately. Put "[CompanyX] Ant Farm"in the subject and "subscribe Your Name" in the body. The French office will be burnt to the ground and its employees shot as they run out into the street once the craziness from Q4 settles down. Be sure to email them your farewells and remind them not to use the elevator in the unlikely event of a fire. The Dante's Inferno-themed sales training will NOT occur due to its overtly religious meanings and some allergies to lava within the sales force.
Instead, we're super-excited to announce a new theme of "No Exit" this quarter. Everyone in sales will be locked in a room together for eternity.
This team building exercise in existential hell was a big success in helping Ingress's turnaround, and we're confident that it will help us similarly. Be sure to bring a change of clothes as--I'm sure you know--eternity is a long time! Effective June 1st, new pricing for the [CompanyX] "Hello My Name Is _____" Badges will be $10,000 for a 500-user pack, $50,000 for a 1,500 user pack. Above that, please bring the deal to the attention of your nearest VP or director. Pricing for the [CompanyX] Portable Arctic Weather Research Station will change as well. Details to follow.
[CompanyX] will continue to focus on what [CompanyX] does best, and I dare say that wouldn't be possible without you. Remember, there is no "U" in [CompanyX] unless you break the letters down into their component stems and curves.
And that would sort of be cheating if you think about it. My doors are always open. And when a door closes, God opens a window. Sleep on the left side. Keep your sword arm free.